Commitment

I've noticed that I don't always follow through. I was willing to try--or I thought I was--but I couldn't keep up with it. This happens sometimes when I'm just trying to be accommodating or helpful. Other times, I'm being confronted with a behavior or an aspect of my character that seems to require change.

Sometimes, when I'm urged to take certain actions or make some change, I may agree with all the arguments, assent to their reasonableness and logic, perhaps even chide myself for not having come to the same conclusion. I may even set out a program and take steps to follow it, hoping that if I just go through the motions long enough, I'll eventually get in line.

It's unsustainable. (...more)

After it all collapses, I have to admit I wasn't committed.

I'm learning to face my true level of commitment, even when I don't like what I think it says about me. Disappointing someone--in real time, taking responsibility for it up front--is better than burning time and energy hoping that I'll do or become something to which I am not fully committed, only to disappoint both of us anyway.

I still have to deal with the reasons behind my choices. Why am I not committed? What do I really want? Some part of me does know.