Tantrums

(Zion National Park, USA)

When very young children experience negative emotions and don't know how best to express their needs, they act out. We recognize it as a "temper tantrum" and try to understand. It's best when we can calmly communicate with them to determine the root cause, to fully understand the situation so we can address their needs.

What about adults who throw "temper tantrums" on the internet? Perhaps too much unresolved pain, stress or disappointment has built up in their lives. They act out by leaving unkind, angry, unchecked comments wherever they are allowed. What do we do with them? What do we do with a presidential candidate publicly throwing tantrums and repeatedly using the kind of language that we would not allow our children to use? People behaving like this seem to forget that while their comments may exist only in the virtual world, the damage they inflict is for real. Words have power.

I am not wise enough to come up with a solution for the world at large. I can, however, make sure to safeguard my personal cyber world. I choose not to expose myself to unfounded or poorly conducted news reports, inappropriate language, biased emotional outbursts, etc. Allowing that into my life would be to unintentionally propagate it further. I can stop it here.

Coffee Talk

For years, Mark and I have started our day with coffee. It's something we both treasure and look forward to every day. We have some of our most interesting conversations over this cup of coffee. Mark may relate a vivid dream from the night before. "Dream Analysis, by Wanda," (starring Mark as "Wanda!") can be revealing, insightful or confusing, but having that direct connection with the unconscious is fascinating.

I don't seem to remember most of my dreams. Interestingly, though, at that early hour of the day, I very often have "wiser thoughts" to share. It's also interesting how I often start the day feeling wiser, and seem to progressively lose my wits throughout the day.

I think it'll be fun to capture some of our "Coffee Talk" conversations in this blog. I shall label them as "Coffee Talk."

(P.S.: Have no fear, "Wanda" doesn't do "TMI.")

Experiment

(Off the beaten path at Telč, Czech)

"Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie
 
I decided to do an experiment today:

I will focus on Enough & Blessing.
I will express gratitude every chance I get.
I will say "Yes" to life, followed by "and I choose to..."
I will use my sitting posture as a reminder.

Wait...say what?

One of the hard lessons I learned from 2015 was Proper Posture. I thought I had already gotten all I needed to know about that from books, articles, chiropractors, physical therapists and ergonomic specialists. I hadn't noticed that, in fact, I was in constant pain. I was too busy with everything else, paying little attention to my physical experience. My body did its best to accommodate a "brainy person" like me who simply took it for granted.

It was truly eye-opening to realize how disconnected I was from my body. I had to peel away layers and layers of pain to find out that the way I was sitting, standing, lying down, and walking guaranteed pain and poor quality of life.

In our current lifestyle, I sit a lot. That's why I am using my sitting posture as a constant reminder. Here's how I sit if I am not paying attention:

tense
leaning forward
neck and shoulders hunched forward
holding my breath

It's as if I am afraid I'll miss something if I'm not always poised in the "ready" position.

Instead, I am going to recite the following, like mantras, throughout the day:

I am enough.
I have enough.
Relax.
Breathe.
Thank you.

I hope to experience the magic of physical life in this world of abundance.

Car/Driver Analogy

2006, Iguazu Falls, Brazil

I was lying on the floor doing my daily E-cises*, contemplating how the mind, body and spirit function together, when I thought: each of us is sort of like a car and driver. Our body is the car, and our "spirit" or "soul" is the driver of that car. 

A car attains peak performance when it is well maintained and driven by a good driver who knows the car and drives it the way it was designed. Good drivers accept and appreciate their car for what it is, and don't wish it were something else. Once behind the wheel, drivers get to choose the destination, route, speed, rest stops, and so on. Of course, drivers also get to decide if they enjoy the ride or not.

In my simple world, we're all just "driving" through this life in our different "cars." I don't expect that everyone else's car should be painted the same color as mine, have the same owner's manual, or carry the same number of passengers in exactly the same way. The world needs all different kinds. I find the diversity fascinating.

___

* A few words on E-cises: They are simple physical therapy routines developed by Pete Egoscue. The basic idea is to allow one's body to heal on its own. The best thing about doing the E-cises is, in my opinion, being pain-free.

(P.S.: Thanks to Mark for his wordsmithery on this!)

A Brand New Start

“Loss can be the place where beauty and goodness begin” ~ Parker Palmer

Just like the years before, I started 2015 with an apprehensive but hopeful attitude. I was even more hopeful after reading some astrology forecasts on the internet. By that time Mark and I had lived in Taiwan for more than three years, long enough for him to renew his residency card (similar to the “Alien Card” in the US). It hadn’t been all rosy up till then, but in 2015, something good was sure to happen, so I hoped.

Back in 2011, we both stepped away from Corporate America. We knew that doing so without a clear vision was a bold move. However,  we are innately optimistic and we were pretty confident of our creative abilities. Between the two of us, we really do have tons of ideas on any given day. We believed we just needed the time to try them out. Taiwan seemed like the logical place to do it.

Taiwan is my birth country. When my parents learned of our intent to move here, they generously offered a place for us to call home--without charging us a penny. Taiwan isn't just any place in the world, either. It has more than 260 peaks over 3,000 meters. It’s full of friendly people, good food, and awesome coffee shops. The national health insurance is truly affordable. Being our adventurous, happy-go-lucky selves, we gave away or sold our belongings and made The Move.

Have I ever mentioned in this blog that I cried for days and was depressed for months after the move? I’m sure I haven't. I couldn’t face it, and I didn’t want to. It was confusing.

Although I grew up here, and was a “good kid” at home and “model student” at school, I had very little exposure to and understanding of the real world. Being a “good kid” meant I had to stop being myself, and unquestioningly submit to authority at home. Being a “model student” meant I had to ace tests, excel at competitions, and unquestioningly submit to authority at school. It was a narrow life.

Immediately after college graduation, I moved to the US and stayed there, so I never did learn the “way of living” here in Taiwan. I was virtually clueless about this culture, but I didn't realize that when we moved here in 2011. I thought I should “get” this culture and know it by heart. I didn’t know that the difficulties I was experiencing were “culture shock.” Worse yet, people expected me to know how everything works here. I kind of looked like a Taiwanese, and sort of talked like one, but I definitely did not think like one. Mark couldn’t help much because of the language barrier; plus he was dealing with his own culture shock. Hence, I felt very much on my own figuring out everything from toilet paper to government matters (Mark tells me he gets those two mixed up all the time).

Don’t get me wrong: there are many good things to say about our lives after The Move. We have explored a lot more of this beautiful world, and we have had the opportunity to focus on things we care about without having to follow a set schedule.

I have also had many opportunities to face myself, my fears, and the challenges of living very intimately with Mark, in a small space, day in and day out, day after day. We both wanted to make this new life work. I found that when things got tough, I simply read more books and tried harder to be a better person. Mark did his best to stay productive, drawing, writing and painting. Some days weren't so productive. When that became the trend, we were both concerned.

As 2015 progressed, something we did not expect and could not change became clear. We confessed to each other that we couldn’t enjoy the long, hot, humid summer that seems to last all year. We needed the big sky, big mountains, big land, and quiet living space more than we realized. But that was just the start.

I totally did not expect that 2015 would be the year “the shit hit the fan.” I was beat, physically and mentally. I was in pain and in shock on so many levels that I was forced to pay attention to myself, whether I wanted to or not. To my own surprise, despite being discouraged over and over by a baffling variety of constantly shifting pain, I still had the will and perseverance to pursue knowledge. I found resources and studied holistic healing and healthy simple living.

Even more surprising was this: I was experiencing an increasing sense of gratitude for everything. How could one have so much pain and be grateful at the same time? I don’t know. It’s truly awesome. Perhaps all that stuff I've read over the years is finally sinking in.

I find I have a better understanding of why I'm on this planet. I believe my purpose in life is to explore and discover beauty in all forms, and share my discoveries with the world. In my world, beauty is the gateway to inner peace and joy. I find beauty most easily in Nature, in music, in graceful body movements, books and almost invariably when I go to a new place.

Something good has come out of all this pain. I have learned a lot, but most importantly, I am learning to breathe, sit, stand, walk and sleep. It’s like having my life all over again, only this time I am prepared to walk with a healthy body and a grateful heart, fully living as that awesome, curious soul I was from the very beginning.

Luck Follows When I Choose

When I look back on my life, I now see a series of lucky events. I clearly remember making conscious decisions on some of them. Other times, I felt like I was forced or left with no choice, and hence I “decided” to stop fighting or wishing for a different result, and went with life instead. What if I had made a different choice? Here is the amazing thing: I am here reflecting, writing, and feeling very much at peace with myself, regardless. This, to me, is the ultimate "Luck."

還債還是造福

該寫一點中文的東西了。

在台灣，常常聽到“前世欠的，此世還債”的說法。
我總覺得這樣的想法有點忽略了重點，而且沒完沒了，令人心情沉重。

就我有限的了解，目前的小小看法是 -
我們生生世世不斷地角色互換，為的是靈的充實與擴展。每一個人生沒有別人幫忙，自己一個人也沒戲唱。有趣的是宇宙的運行十分奧秘。幾個簡單的自然法則奇妙地維繫所有的平衡，無論是有形的或是無形的，保證公平，完全不需要我們來論定。所以說出現在我們生命的人不但是我們的合作夥伴，還是患難之交。多一點感恩的心，誰也不欠誰。

人生唯一的保證是無常，我們只能帶著好奇心一步接著一步走。至於這條路好不好走，好不好玩，往往是一念之差。生氣怨嘆是自己的選擇。能多原諒，嘗試多元性的想法，往往會意想不到地化凶為吉。多多把握讓自己開心，他人開懷的機會，幸福隨時相隨。

我是這麼想的。你呢？
希望有緣人都能體驗一個無怨無悔，豐富精彩的人生！

Grandmas On Our Street

Some days are more difficult than others. Yesterday was one of those.

I felt stuck, lost, and frustrated that I don't seem to contribute in any visible way. Then I remembered our neighborhood grandmas.

Are We There Yet?

People often ask, "Why did you quit your career?"
I don't know if I have a good answer. The short answer is: passion for authenticity.

Also people asked, "Why did you move to Taiwan?"
Well, it's not an accident. Before the move, we figured that the food is good in Taiwan, they have a great national health care system, the people seem nice, and one of my parents liked the idea; plus,

I Wander

Convict Lake, California

Experts offer life improvement tips and tricks all the time. After having read quite a bit of their advice, I've discovered that they almost always contradict each other. It's almost as if "one man's poison is another man's medicine." 

So rather than fussing with other people's ideas, attempting to replicate their life lessons, I concluded that I am better off finding my own way.

The Big P

I'd like to think after all these years, I've figured out what my purpose in life is. The Big P, that is.

The same day I stepped out of my IT job, I twisted my angle in my own garage. It seemed highly unlikely that such small accident would keep me from walking for almost six months. When the speedy recovery wasn't happening, I had no choice but to be patient with myself. I meditated, read an insane number of books, watched baby birds hatch and take their first flights, counted lemons on the lemon tree, got good at recognizing humming birds by sound, even talked to the roses...

Morning Coffee

I get to have coffee with my best friend every morning.

It started at a McDonald's somewhere halfway between Everett, Washington, and Portland, Oregon. We lived 200 miles apart at that time but somehow managed to meet twice a week. We needed each other and we needed that coffee. When we got to spend more time together on the weekends, we didn't want to "waste" time going out. Hence our version of "Javoca" was born. It's a simple hot drink that blends instant coffee and cocoa mix (click to listen to "Javoca"). Over long conversations and cups of Javoca, we answered each other's questions about "who am I." We liked the answers we received.

We got married and got to work for the same company. On the way to work, we would stop by our neighborhood Starbucks and say "Hi" to the "breakfast club," a group of seniors from the retirement community nearby who met there every morning. Then we enjoyed the day's first cup of coffee as we carpooled. We had a lot to talk about. In those morning coffee conversations, we learned to help each other grow and cope with the complexity of a mixed and blended family. 

Both of my sons chose colleges in California. I missed them terribly, and I was beginning to yearn for something more. We decided to move to sunny California to take a look. On cold workday mornings, we would light up the fireplace and enjoy our wonderful conversations over a cup of home brewed coffee before the commute. On weekends, we'd go to the Queen Bean coffee house where we had found the world's best "Cubano." We would spend hours reading, talking, writing and drawing. We dug deep into our souls, asking hard questions and daring ourselves to dream. After umptine "Cubanos," it became obvious that we had to do this full-time. But how? "Quit our jobs and move to Taiwan then." Those "Cubanos" were very powerful!

So many things changed after the move. Our daily morning coffee survived. We now use a French Press, Vietnamese Drip, cold brew, or Mark's secret weapon. Our conversations still center around learning of all sorts. I love our morning coffee time and Mark is still my best friend. I could not ask for a better partner in life!

[Mark says: "Ditto! Lucky me!"]

Reset

My cellphone acted up recently:
   It heated up for no good reason,
   was less receptive to calls,
   and its battery drained faster.
Fortunately it's still under warranty so I sent it to the manufacturer to have a look. When I got it back, it was like a brand new phone--a fast phone without excess data or apps. I was given a chance to start fresh! I carefully loaded only stuff that enhances the quality of my life. It's not all that different from our lives, is it? Metaphorically, we pressed a big "Reset" button when we moved to Taiwan, and we've pressed several small ones since. With each "Reset," we learn to seek understanding, accept the situation, forgive, let go and move on, with gratitude and honesty.

I Ponder

I took this picture from the ladies' room at a rest stop. It is not unusual to see poems or reminders to ask people to keep the bathroom clean. They are usually positive and kind, some even witty. I rarely see any repeats. Since these are public restrooms which get rated periodically, I wonder if such creativity was somewhat motivated by the competitive spirit. The sign here is interesting. Not only does it not belong to the "clean up after yourself" category, the English translation also takes on a life of its own. I ponder and I ponder...

Lost and Found

I've discovered a kind-of, sort-of disturbing fact about myself recently.
I have many "Ah-ha" moments. That's sort-of good, right?
I seem to be recycling them. Um. That's sort-of "Huh?"

"You mean, I figured this out ten years ago?" I asked myself.
It's so shocking coming across an old journal entry writing about an epiphany that I just recently had.
At first, I mean.

After scanning through more journal entries, I am no longer shocked.
I am certain that I WAS brilliant.
Say no more.