The Value of Boredom

     An apology is in order. I fell into a classic parenting trap. I told my kids that being bored was an inexcusable sign of a lack of creativity. And I believed it.
     According to psychoanalyst Adam Phillips, having the capacity to be bored is actually an essential element for a full life.
     Boredom is halfway between wanting something to spark our interest, and hoping we come up with something on our own. These two wishes are actually in opposition, but neither is fulfilled. In fact, what we really hope for is that we'll actually become interested at all. But we're not. Everything we look at is meh. We become preoccupied with the fact that we're not preoccupied.
     Phillips points out that despite the irritation and frustration we feel when we're bored, we are actually "reaching to a recurrent sense of emptiness out of which [our] real desire can crystallize."
     Hmm...emptiness...real desire... Wait, doesn't everything arise out of emptiness? Isn't that the necessary condition for something new? This is ancient wisdom. But we dread that irritation--and someone told us it was inexcusable--so we check our cellphones, turn on the television, surf the Web, play solitaire, or just complain to other people whenever the level of stimulation drops below a certain point. It's better to be busily unfulfilled.
     We end up displacing the emptiness out of which what we really want can arise. If we do get to that stillness, we might find it boring. That's okay.
     Lauren, Sarina, Ryan and Alan: I'm sorry. You don't need my permission anymore, but you have it, late though it is. You can be bored now. I won't judge you for it. I'm learning not to judge myself for avoiding it.

Morning Coffee

I get to have coffee with my best friend every morning.

It started at a McDonald's somewhere halfway between Everett, Washington, and Portland, Oregon. We lived 200 miles apart at that time but somehow managed to meet twice a week. We needed each other and we needed that coffee. When we got to spend more time together on the weekends, we didn't want to "waste" time going out. Hence our version of "Javoca" was born. It's a simple hot drink that blends instant coffee and cocoa mix (click to listen to "Javoca"). Over long conversations and cups of Javoca, we answered each other's questions about "who am I." We liked the answers we received.

We got married and got to work for the same company. On the way to work, we would stop by our neighborhood Starbucks and say "Hi" to the "breakfast club," a group of seniors from the retirement community nearby who met there every morning. Then we enjoyed the day's first cup of coffee as we carpooled. We had a lot to talk about. In those morning coffee conversations, we learned to help each other grow and cope with the complexity of a mixed and blended family. 

Both of my sons chose colleges in California. I missed them terribly, and I was beginning to yearn for something more. We decided to move to sunny California to take a look. On cold workday mornings, we would light up the fireplace and enjoy our wonderful conversations over a cup of home brewed coffee before the commute. On weekends, we'd go to the Queen Bean coffee house where we had found the world's best "Cubano." We would spend hours reading, talking, writing and drawing. We dug deep into our souls, asking hard questions and daring ourselves to dream. After umptine "Cubanos," it became obvious that we had to do this full-time. But how? "Quit our jobs and move to Taiwan then." Those "Cubanos" were very powerful!

So many things changed after the move. Our daily morning coffee survived. We now use a French Press, Vietnamese Drip, cold brew, or Mark's secret weapon. Our conversations still center around learning of all sorts. I love our morning coffee time and Mark is still my best friend. I could not ask for a better partner in life!

[Mark says: "Ditto! Lucky me!"]

Now I Can Be Sticky For Hours

It's all about what one can get used to.

We've been in Taiwan almost three years now, and we're going through the hottest part of the summer. This is what it looks like from the Central Weather Bureau's site:

25 ~ 35

COMFORTABLE~EXTREMEL

They don't have room for the "LY HOT AND MUGGY" bit. So, as the temps get more "extreml," we strip down more and more, but there's a limit to how much you can take off and still greet people at the front door. What about after you hit that limit?

Reset

My cellphone acted up recently:
   It heated up for no good reason,
   was less receptive to calls,
   and its battery drained faster.
Fortunately it's still under warranty so I sent it to the manufacturer to have a look. When I got it back, it was like a brand new phone--a fast phone without excess data or apps. I was given a chance to start fresh! I carefully loaded only stuff that enhances the quality of my life. It's not all that different from our lives, is it? Metaphorically, we pressed a big "Reset" button when we moved to Taiwan, and we've pressed several small ones since. With each "Reset," we learn to seek understanding, accept the situation, forgive, let go and move on, with gratitude and honesty.

Getting Through the Fog

A close friend once told me, "When you have your mind made up, you're one of the most productive people I know." That's what clarity of purpose does for me. I can tell when I'm not clear: I'm not moving. And when I'm not moving, I'm not productive. I might be busy, but that's not the same and I know it.

On some days, though, the fog is so thick! Stephen Covey talked about having a compass, a way to maintain our direction when we can't see the landmarks. I'm slowly getting better at paying attention to mine. I start to feel that pull. Then it's a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.

I Ponder

I took this picture from the ladies' room at a rest stop. It is not unusual to see poems or reminders to ask people to keep the bathroom clean. They are usually positive and kind, some even witty. I rarely see any repeats. Since these are public restrooms which get rated periodically, I wonder if such creativity was somewhat motivated by the competitive spirit. The sign here is interesting. Not only does it not belong to the "clean up after yourself" category, the English translation also takes on a life of its own. I ponder and I ponder...

Commitment

I've noticed that I don't always follow through. I was willing to try--or I thought I was--but I couldn't keep up with it. This happens sometimes when I'm just trying to be accommodating or helpful. Other times, I'm being confronted with a behavior or an aspect of my character that seems to require change.

Sometimes, when I'm urged to take certain actions or make some change, I may agree with all the arguments, assent to their reasonableness and logic, perhaps even chide myself for not having come to the same conclusion. I may even set out a program and take steps to follow it, hoping that if I just go through the motions long enough, I'll eventually get in line.

It's unsustainable. (...more)