Saturday, January 16, 2016

Coffee Talk

For years, Mark and I have started our day with coffee. It's something we both treasure and look forward to every day. We have some of our most interesting conversations over this cup of coffee. Mark may relate a vivid dream from the night before. "Dream Analysis, by Wanda," (starring Mark as "Wanda!") can be revealing, insightful or confusing, but having that direct connection with the unconscious is fascinating.
I don't seem to remember most of my dreams. Interestingly, though, at that early hour of the day, I very often have "wiser thoughts" to share. It's also interesting how I often start the day feeling wiser, and seem to progressively lose my wits throughout the day.
I think it'll be fun to capture some of our "Coffee Talk" conversations in this blog. I shall label them as "Coffee Talk."
(P.S.: Have no fear, "Wanda" doesn't do "TMI.")

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Experiment

(Off the beaten path at Telč, Czech)
"Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie
 
I decided to do an experiment today:
I will focus on Enough & Blessing.
I will express gratitude every chance I get.
I will say "Yes" to life, followed by "and I choose to..."
I will use my sitting posture as a reminder.
Wait...say what?
One of the hard lessons I learned from 2015 was Proper Posture. I thought I had already gotten all I needed to know about that from books, articles, chiropractors, physical therapists and ergonomic specialists. I hadn't noticed that, in fact, I was in constant pain. I was too busy with everything else, paying little attention to my physical experience. My body did its best to accommodate a "brainy person" like me who simply took it for granted.
It was truly eye-opening to realize how disconnected I was from my body. I had to peel away layers and layers of pain to find out that the way I was sitting, standing, lying down, and walking guaranteed pain and poor quality of life.
In our current lifestyle, I sit a lot. That's why I am using my sitting posture as a constant reminder. Here's how I sit if I am not paying attention:
tense
leaning forward
neck and shoulders hunched forward
holding my breath
It's as if I am afraid I'll miss something if I'm not always poised in the "ready" position.
Instead, I am going to recite the following, like mantras, throughout the day:
I am enough.
I have enough.
Relax.
Breathe.
Thank you.
I hope to experience the magic of physical life in this world of abundance.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Car/Driver Analogy

2006, Iguazu Falls, Brazil

I was lying on the floor doing my daily E-cises*, contemplating how the mind, body and spirit function together, when I thought: each of us is sort of like a car and driver. Our body is the car, and our "spirit" or "soul" is the driver of that car. 
A car attains peak performance when it is well maintained and driven by a good driver who knows the car and drives it the way it was designed. Good drivers accept and appreciate their car for what it is, and don't wish it were something else. Once behind the wheel, drivers get to choose the destination, route, speed, rest stops, and so on. Of course, drivers also get to decide if they enjoy the ride or not.
In my simple world, we're all just "driving" through this life in our different "cars." I don't expect that everyone else's car should be painted the same color as mine, have the same owner's manual, or carry the same number of passengers in exactly the same way. The world needs all different kinds. I find the diversity fascinating.
___
* A few words on E-cises: They are simple physical therapy routines developed by Pete Egoscue. The basic idea is to allow one's body to heal on its own. The best thing about doing the E-cises is, in my opinion, being pain-free.

(P.S.: Thanks to Mark for his wordsmithery on this!)

Thursday, January 7, 2016

A Brand New Start


“Loss can be the place where beauty and goodness begin” ~ Parker Palmer

Just like the years before, I started 2015 with an apprehensive but hopeful attitude. I was even more hopeful after reading some astrology forecasts on the internet. By that time Mark and I had lived in Taiwan for more than three years, long enough for him to renew his residency card (similar to the “Alien Card” in the US). It hadn’t been all rosy up till then, but in 2015, something good was sure to happen, so I hoped.

Back in 2011, we both stepped away from Corporate America. We knew that doing so without a clear vision was a bold move. However,  we are innately optimistic and we were pretty confident of our creative abilities. Between the two of us, we really do have tons of ideas on any given day. We believed we just needed the time to try them out. Taiwan seemed like the logical place to do it.

Taiwan is my birth country. When my parents learned of our intent to move here, they generously offered a place for us to call home--without charging us a penny. Taiwan isn't just any place in the world, either. It has more than 260 peaks over 3,000 meters. It’s full of friendly people, good food, and awesome coffee shops. The national health insurance is truly affordable. Being our adventurous, happy-go-lucky selves, we gave away or sold our belongings and made The Move.

Have I ever mentioned in this blog that I cried for days and was depressed for months after the move? I’m sure I haven't. I couldn’t face it, and I didn’t want to. It was confusing.

Although I grew up here, and was a “good kid” at home and “model student” at school, I had very little exposure to and understanding of the real world. Being a “good kid” meant I had to stop being myself, and unquestioningly submit to authority at home. Being a “model student” meant I had to ace tests, excel at competitions, and unquestioningly submit to authority at school. It was a narrow life.

Immediately after college graduation, I moved to the US and stayed there, so I never did learn the “way of living” here in Taiwan. I was virtually clueless about this culture, but I didn't realize that when we moved here in 2011. I thought I should “get” this culture and know it by heart. I didn’t know that the difficulties I was experiencing were “culture shock.” Worse yet, people expected me to know how everything works here. I kind of looked like a Taiwanese, and sort of talked like one, but I definitely did not think like one. Mark couldn’t help much because of the language barrier; plus he was dealing with his own culture shock. Hence, I felt very much on my own figuring out everything from toilet paper to government matters (Mark tells me he gets those two mixed up all the time).

Don’t get me wrong: there are many good things to say about our lives after The Move. We have explored a lot more of this beautiful world, and we have had the opportunity to focus on things we care about without having to follow a set schedule.

I have also had many opportunities to face myself, my fears, and the challenges of living very intimately with Mark, in a small space, day in and day out, day after day. We both wanted to make this new life work. I found that when things got tough, I simply read more books and tried harder to be a better person. Mark did his best to stay productive, drawing, writing and painting. Some days weren't so productive. When that became the trend, we were both concerned.

As 2015 progressed, something we did not expect and could not change became clear. We confessed to each other that we couldn’t enjoy the long, hot, humid summer that seems to last all year. We needed the big sky, big mountains, big land, and quiet living space more than we realized. But that was just the start.

I totally did not expect that 2015 would be the year “the shit hit the fan.” I was beat, physically and mentally. I was in pain and in shock on so many levels that I was forced to pay attention to myself, whether I wanted to or not. To my own surprise, despite being discouraged over and over by a baffling variety of constantly shifting pain, I still had the will and perseverance to pursue knowledge. I found resources and studied holistic healing and healthy simple living.

Even more surprising was this: I was experiencing an increasing sense of gratitude for everything. How could one have so much pain and be grateful at the same time? I don’t know. It’s truly awesome. Perhaps all that stuff I've read over the years is finally sinking in.

I find I have a better understanding of why I'm on this planet. I believe my purpose in life is to explore and discover beauty in all forms, and share my discoveries with the world. In my world, beauty is the gateway to inner peace and joy. I find beauty most easily in Nature, in music, in graceful body movements, books and almost invariably when I go to a new place.

Something good has come out of all this pain. I have learned a lot, but most importantly, I am learning to breathe, sit, stand, walk and sleep. It’s like having my life all over again, only this time I am prepared to walk with a healthy body and a grateful heart, fully living as that awesome, curious soul I was from the very beginning.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Scarabella - A Christmas Story by Mark Ivan Cole

Scarabella
Scarabella hadn’t been in the warm little cabin for very long before things started to go wrong. The Yule log in the fireplace collapsed with a crash, sending a shower of sparks up the stone chimney. From her position on the mantle, Scarabella could see it was all happening again. Candlesticks tumbled off the little table and rolled beneath it. The storm outside spit bits of snow through the cracks around the shuttered windows. The heavy oaken door rattled on its hinges, its metal latch loudly banging out a stuttering rhythm that could wake the dead.

It was Christmas Eve, but no one was sleeping. The little old man and his little old wife were sitting bolt upright in bed—stocking caps pulled down over their ears, and quilts pulled up to their cheekbones—their little old eyes wide as they looked this way and that around the cabin.

One of their sturdy wooden chairs tilted first to the left, then to the right, only to topple over backward for no reason. The other one skidded along the floor for a few feet until it ran into the wall and stopped. The cupboard door flew open and a pewter cup fell out, rolling across the floor under the table to join the candlesticks.

Clearly, it was time to do something. Scarabella arched her back, her scruffy black fur sticking out all over. She stretched her front legs, flexed her paws and extended her claws full length before pulling them back in and relaxing for a second before stretching her back legs. Ragged tail high, she turned and walked to the end of the mantle. She hesitated but a moment before dropping down to the floor. The door continued to rattle with every gust of wind from the storm outside. Like a furry shadow, Scarabella crossed the floor and hopped up onto the foot of the bed. She sat down and curled her tail around her paws, her green eyes fixed on the old couple behind the quilt.

“You made a mistake,” she said.

“The cat talks!” squeaked the little old woman.

“You need to listen to me,” said Scarabella, blinking once.

“Aye, it talks!” croaked the little old man.

“Yes,” said Scarabella; “and you need to pay attention. It was very nice of you to bring me in from the cold, but you may wish to reconsider.”

Another pewter cup pitched itself from the cupboard and spun around on the floor. The shutters outside rapped repeated against the cabin wall as if begging to be let in.

“What are you talking about?” asked the little old woman. “You were cold, so we brought you inside so you could be warm. What’s wrong with that?”

Scarabella turned and watched the old metal kettle jump off its hook by the hearth and clang to the floor. “Consequences,” she said, her scruffy tail unwrapping itself from around her paws only to wrap around them once more. “Are you aware of the consequences?”

“What consequences?” asked the little old man.

The cat stared at them a moment, shut her eyes and opened them again. “You don’t know about the Christmas Scourge?”

The chair against the wall scooted a little closer to the door.

The little old couple shook their heads. “What’s the Christmas Scourge?” asked the little old woman.

“It’s not ‘what;’ it’s ‘who,’” said the cat. “It is I: Scarabella the cat, the Christmas Scourge.”

The little old couple looked at each other, confused. “You’re a bit rough around the muff, but I wouldn’t call you a scourge,” said the little old woman. “What makes you say that?”

Scarabella ignored the thump of the second chair tossing itself onto the floor. It was time to get to the point.

“I live in the cave of the great mountain troll,” she said. “The great troll doesn’t like me, but he doesn’t want to let me go. Every Christmas Eve, he forgets, though. He drinks himself into a stupor and I escape.” Scarabella sighed as the candlesticks and pewter cups clattered against the table legs.

“Most of the time, he catches me before I find a warm place to spend the night,” she said; “but on some years, I find a haven before he finds me. Those are the best for me, but the worst for my hosts.”

The little old woman’s brow wrinkled and she lowered the quilt down to her chin. “Why? What happens?” she asked.

Scarabella twitched a torn ear and stared at her. “Everything you see here and worse,” she said; “so, if you don’t mind opening the door for me, I’ll just be going.”

The teakettle rolled across the floor to join the fracas of candlesticks and cups under the table.

“The great troll, you say,” said the little old man, dropping the quilt and folding his hands in front of him. “He doesn’t treat you well, Scarabella.”

The cat blinked once. “No.”

“And it’s very cold out there,” said the little old woman.

Scarabella’s ear twitched again. “Yes.”

The little old couple turned to each other. Neither said a word as they turned away again and got out of bed. The little old woman stepped into her tattered slippers and wrapped a cloak around her shoulders. The little old man stuffed his feet into a well worn pair of boots and pulled a woolen sweater over his nightshirt before wrapping himself in a heavy coat.

Scarabella got to her feet and turned to go.

“Oh, no,” said the little old woman. “You stay put for now.”

“I don’t think you understand what you’re up against,” said the cat. “Your cabin is no protection from my master.”

“We know,” said the little old man.

“And you can stop calling him your master,” said the little old woman.

The little old man stepped past the fallen chairs and shuffled over to stoke the fire. The wind howled in fury and the door shuddered in its frame, but a warm light filled the room as he stoked the coals.

“My dear, I think we could do with some tea before we start,” he said, retrieving the kettle from the floor and filling it with water from the bucket by the fireplace.

“Tea would be just the thing,” said the little old woman. She brought a little bag over to the hearth and sprinkled some leaves into the kettle, swinging it over the glowing coals. The little old man picked up the cups from the floor and handed one to his wife. Then they both sat in their chairs and waited for the tea to steep.

The candlesticks continued their chasing game beneath the table, the windows rattled incessantly, snow continued to blow in through the walls, but the little old man and the little old woman imply ignored them.

Scarabella cocked her head to one side. “If you’ll just let me out, this will all be over,” she said. “I’ve caused you enough trouble already.”

The little old woman shook her head and beckoned to the cat. “If you’re willing,” she said; “just come sit in my lap a bit until the tea’s ready.”

Scarabella watched the candlesticks crash into the wall and then hurtle themselves across the room to disappear under the bed.

“Come on,” said the little old man. “The tea will be ready soon enough.”

The cat shrugged. “If he finds me like this, he won’t be happy,” she said as she hopped up into the little old woman’s lap and found a comfortable spot to lie down. This was both the best and the worst place yet. Never before had she so wanted to stay and yet been so certain that she really should leave. The little old woman’s wrinkled hand stroked her uneven fur, and the little old man’s fingers scratched gently behind Scarabella’s ears.

When the tea was ready, the little old woman lifted up the cat and set her down on the old rag rug, not too close to the fire. “You just rest there, love,” she said, as her husband poured a little tea into their cups. She swirled it around to let it cool a bit and then took a sip. “Ah, yes,” she said. “This will do.”

The wind was picking up outside, shaking the whole house as it passed by. The door seemed to be trying to wrest itself from its hinges. The latch banged insistently.

“He’s coming,” said Scarabella, trying not to sound as scared as she felt. “I really should go.”

The little old man smiled and cleared his throat. “Yah, tea’s just the thing.” He drained his cup and stood up. Then he looked over at his wife. “Ready?”

She smiled and stood beside him. She hummed a note, barely audible over the wind and the rattling windows and door.

“A bit high for me, I think,” said the little old man. He hummed a different note and she nodded.

They began to sing, she with her mellow, reedy alto, and he with his husky, round baritone. They sang of happiness. They sang of home. They sang of peace and joy and harmony.

As they sang, the storm outside grew louder and stronger. Great trees cracked and fell in the surrounding woods. Ice and snow blasted against the walls of the little cabin. The shutters outside finally tore free and the windows were soon coated with white. The bolts in the door hinges shimmied in their holes and the latch slipped sideways little by little.

Still the old couple sang. They sang of hope. They sang of trust. They sang of plenty. They sang of giving and receiving, of sharing and sacrifice.

Scarabella could not sit. She stood stock still, ears cocked, her tail moving randomly of its own accord. She stared at the battered door, every bit of her black fur on end.

But nothing came.

The storm raged outside, scraping against the cabin walls, shivering every timber and loosening every peg and mortice.

Still the old couple sang. They sang of grace. They sang of light, of love, of forgiveness and truth.

As the last notes ended, the storm stopped.

The forest lay silent. Everything was still, save for the flickering flames of the Yule log in the hearth.

“Well,” said the little old woman; “that should do it.”

“Yes,” said the little old man. “Let’s see, dear,” he said to his wife. “There should be some of that tea left.”

She handed him the little pewter cup and sat back down in the sturdy chair as he swung the kettle out. She patted her lap. “So, Scarabella,” she said; “you’ll be staying then?”

Scarabella glanced around the room. All was quiet. “What did you do?” she asked. “He didn’t take me. What did you do?”

“Once you said it was a troll, we knew we would be fine,” said the little old man. He handed one steaming cup to his wife and sat down with his own.

Scarabella hopped up onto the little old woman’s lap. “What did you do?” she insisted.

The little old woman smoothed the cat’s patchy fur. “We sang the truth,” she said. “Trolls cannot abide that.”

“But weren’t you afraid?” asked the cat.

“To begin with, yes,” said the little old man. “Fear doesn’t last long in the presence of love.”

“We’ve gently dispatched many a troll with this method,” said the little old woman. “All it takes is a song in your heart.”

The little old man smiled. “And a little tea,” he said. “But you didn’t answer, Scarabella. Will you be staying then?

“We’d consider it a gift,” said the little old woman.

Scarabella settled into the little old woman’s lap. “I’ll be staying then,” she said. The warm little cabin hummed quietly with the crackle of the Yule log and the purr of the Christmas cat.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Story: The Ghost in the House

The Ghost in the House

There is a ghost in the house. He doesn’t know why he’s there. He keeps poking around, knocking things over. He wanders this way and that, wondering why he’s there.

There is a little girl who is the only one who can see him. She’s not afraid of him. She tries to talk to him, but his ears don’t work. He can’t hear her. She takes his hand. That works. He can feel her, and she can hold onto his hand. She leads him down the stairs, keeping him clear of other things so he doesn’t knock them over. She leads him out the front door, outside.

The ghost looks up and sees the moon. He likes it.

The little girl lets go of his hand and he walks back toward the house. She catches him before he gets up the front steps and leads him back to the front yard. He sees the moon again and really wants to go there. When she lets go of his hand, he turns and walks back toward the house again. Quickly, she catches him and leads him back to the front yard where he can see the moon. He looks up at it again, wanting to go there.

This time, when she lets go of his hand, she blows a puff of air toward him. He rises up off the ground. She blows another puff of air, and he rises off the ground a little more. He is happy about this.

She starts to wave goodbye. The more she waves, the higher he rises. She keeps waving until the ghost rises up to the moon.

When the ghost arrives, the moon shines even more brightly than before.

The little girl goes back to the house and starts to put things back in place, one thing at a time, fixing the places that were broken. It will take some time, but the ghost will not be back.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Not Going Away

Back in the '90s, I [Mark] was a business analyst at an internet startup. One of the guys there had a Ph.D. in astrophysics, an MA in photography, and another MA in violin performance. He was the database administrator. Yes, you read that right: he was our DBA, and he was cool with that.

I once asked him: "How is it that guys with multiple interests and skills in the arts don't end up doing those things for a living?"

He said: "We discovered we didn't have to."

That statement has rolled around in my head a lot in the last fifteen years or so. At first, I thought: "Of course! You'd have to be obsessed, driven, desperate, and devoid of other options!"

Now I see it a bit differently. As an adult, I have tried many times to specialize, to choose one skill or talent over another. The effort always fails. The things that are deepest in my soul may wait their turn for a time, but if I ignore one for too long, it simply steps in front of me and grabs me by the shirt collar, looks me in the eye and says: "LISTEN to me!"

I know the things I need to pay attention to now. They're the things that are still here after all these years. They're the things that give me chills, make me cry, keep me up till all hours.

I may not have to do them for a living, but it would make sense if I did. One way or another, they're not going away.

Another guy I worked with at the startup was in his mid-twenties, a former track guy who played ultimate Frisbee at lunch and could do two thousand vertical feet in five miles without really breaking a sweat. On one such hike, I watched him "get some air" coming down the trail. I told him I wished I could do what he did.

He shook his head and said: "No, right now I'm probably in the best shape I'll ever be. I wish I could do what you do. You're going to get nothing but better at it for the rest of your life."

He was right. In the last four years, Ping and I have taken radical steps, partly so I could have the chance to see what I could do with "the other 80% of me" that I wasn't able to focus on when I worked in IT. The experiment has revealed a lot of things, both strengths and weaknesses.

While I am still determining how to make my skills self-supporting, I know much better now what I can do with them.

Besides, they're not going away.