A Brand New Start

“Loss can be the place where beauty and goodness begin” ~ Parker Palmer

Just like the years before, I started 2015 with an apprehensive but hopeful attitude. I was even more hopeful after reading some astrology forecasts on the internet. By that time Mark and I had lived in Taiwan for more than three years, long enough for him to renew his residency card (similar to the “Alien Card” in the US). It hadn’t been all rosy up till then, but in 2015, something good was sure to happen, so I hoped.

Back in 2011, we both stepped away from Corporate America. We knew that doing so without a clear vision was a bold move. However,  we are innately optimistic and we were pretty confident of our creative abilities. Between the two of us, we really do have tons of ideas on any given day. We believed we just needed the time to try them out. Taiwan seemed like the logical place to do it.

Taiwan is my birth country. When my parents learned of our intent to move here, they generously offered a place for us to call home--without charging us a penny. Taiwan isn't just any place in the world, either. It has more than 260 peaks over 3,000 meters. It’s full of friendly people, good food, and awesome coffee shops. The national health insurance is truly affordable. Being our adventurous, happy-go-lucky selves, we gave away or sold our belongings and made The Move.

Have I ever mentioned in this blog that I cried for days and was depressed for months after the move? I’m sure I haven't. I couldn’t face it, and I didn’t want to. It was confusing.

Although I grew up here, and was a “good kid” at home and “model student” at school, I had very little exposure to and understanding of the real world. Being a “good kid” meant I had to stop being myself, and unquestioningly submit to authority at home. Being a “model student” meant I had to ace tests, excel at competitions, and unquestioningly submit to authority at school. It was a narrow life.

Immediately after college graduation, I moved to the US and stayed there, so I never did learn the “way of living” here in Taiwan. I was virtually clueless about this culture, but I didn't realize that when we moved here in 2011. I thought I should “get” this culture and know it by heart. I didn’t know that the difficulties I was experiencing were “culture shock.” Worse yet, people expected me to know how everything works here. I kind of looked like a Taiwanese, and sort of talked like one, but I definitely did not think like one. Mark couldn’t help much because of the language barrier; plus he was dealing with his own culture shock. Hence, I felt very much on my own figuring out everything from toilet paper to government matters (Mark tells me he gets those two mixed up all the time).

Don’t get me wrong: there are many good things to say about our lives after The Move. We have explored a lot more of this beautiful world, and we have had the opportunity to focus on things we care about without having to follow a set schedule.

I have also had many opportunities to face myself, my fears, and the challenges of living very intimately with Mark, in a small space, day in and day out, day after day. We both wanted to make this new life work. I found that when things got tough, I simply read more books and tried harder to be a better person. Mark did his best to stay productive, drawing, writing and painting. Some days weren't so productive. When that became the trend, we were both concerned.

As 2015 progressed, something we did not expect and could not change became clear. We confessed to each other that we couldn’t enjoy the long, hot, humid summer that seems to last all year. We needed the big sky, big mountains, big land, and quiet living space more than we realized. But that was just the start.

I totally did not expect that 2015 would be the year “the shit hit the fan.” I was beat, physically and mentally. I was in pain and in shock on so many levels that I was forced to pay attention to myself, whether I wanted to or not. To my own surprise, despite being discouraged over and over by a baffling variety of constantly shifting pain, I still had the will and perseverance to pursue knowledge. I found resources and studied holistic healing and healthy simple living.

Even more surprising was this: I was experiencing an increasing sense of gratitude for everything. How could one have so much pain and be grateful at the same time? I don’t know. It’s truly awesome. Perhaps all that stuff I've read over the years is finally sinking in.

I find I have a better understanding of why I'm on this planet. I believe my purpose in life is to explore and discover beauty in all forms, and share my discoveries with the world. In my world, beauty is the gateway to inner peace and joy. I find beauty most easily in Nature, in music, in graceful body movements, books and almost invariably when I go to a new place.

Something good has come out of all this pain. I have learned a lot, but most importantly, I am learning to breathe, sit, stand, walk and sleep. It’s like having my life all over again, only this time I am prepared to walk with a healthy body and a grateful heart, fully living as that awesome, curious soul I was from the very beginning.